Lurgi Strikes Britain

Spike Milligan & Eric Sykes

Series 5, Episode 7, Broadcast 9th November 1954

Greenslade: This is the BBC Home Service
Grams: Falling Bomb Followed By Explosion
Sellers: And it used to be so popular. Well, here it is...
Seagoon: The Goon Show
Grams: Enthusiastic Applause, Cheering, Whistling
Seagoon: Stop! (stops immediately) Ah-ha-ha. Mr. Greenslade? Do your duty, laddy
Greenslade: Yes, sir. The story that follows is rather complicated. So to avoid complications we open with Act III Scene I Part II, the same afternoon, enter a human being
Seagoon: My name is Ned Seagoon
Grams: Falling bomb followed by explosion
Seagoon: Curse. As I was saying, I am a doctor. I used to have a practice in Harley Street, but the police moved me on. Huh-hmm, One morning in May, I was going through an old dustbin, when my valet announced a visitor
Milligan: Pardon me, sir. There is a visitor to see you.
Seagoon: Right, heads down. Put my lunch back in the dustbin and send him in
Milligan: This way, sir
Moriarty: Ahhh, my dear Dr. Seagoon. Allow me, my card
Seagoon: My card
Sellers: My card
Moriarty: Snap! And now, my friend, to business.My name is Count Moriarty. Have you ever heard of Lurgi?
Seagoon: There's no one of that name here
Moriarty: Sacristi Bombet! Listen to me while I tell you a tale. In 1296 on the Isle of Ewe
Seagoon: Where?
Moriarty: Isle of Ewe
Seagoon: I love you, too. Shall we dance?
Moriarty: I don't wish to know that. On the Isle of Ewe the dreaded Lurgi struck. In six weeks, in cinq weeks mark you, Lurgi had destroyed {Silence Please} Lurgi had destroyed the entire population.
Seagoon: What a splendid story
Moriarty: Oui
Seagoon: Have you heard the story about the man who didn't marry Rita Hayworth
Moriarty: Impossible
Seagoon: [Snigger}
Moriarty: As I was saying, Lurgi, Lurgi could easily destroy the entire human race.
Eccles: Then I'm okay, fellers
Seagoon: Count Moriarty, why are you telling me all this?
Moriarty: Why? Yesterday, Lurgi claimed its first victim in Britain.
Seagoon: Ha-Ha. You jest
Moriarty: I jest what?
Seagoon: You just said that Lurgi just claimed its first victim in Britain
Moriarty: Sacre-bleu, sacre-bleu! How can you joke when Lurgi threatens? Sit down while I tell you a tale. Last night, Last night, my dear Seagoon, I was a passenger on a bus in Oldham
Seagoon: You reckless continental, you!
Moriarty: Touche. The bus was passing the Werneth Fire Station, all as normal (fading out)
Orchestra: Link Music
Conductor: Any more fares, please, Boundary Park next stop. Any more? Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo
Northerner 1: What to do with him?
Conductor: Hold tight, please, I - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Yakka-Boo, Yakka Boo
Northerner 2: Here, loosen his collar
Seagoon: What's the matter with you lot? Take your hands off me! Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo
Northerner 1: Stop the bus! Stop it.
Seagoon: Don't you stop this - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Yakka-Boo
Northerner 2: Give him air!
Northerner 1: Stand back now!
Seagoon: Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo...
Moriarty: Not a pretty sight!
Seagoon: Good Heavens! What happened then?
Moriarty: The unfortunate bus conductor was taken to the Olham Royal Infirmary
Seagoon: And then?
Moriarty: And then...well, listen
Orchestra: Harp Music Followed By Dramatic Chord
Conductor: Doctor, I tell you, I'm all right, I - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo - I can't see what you're bothered about at all ya see - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Yakka-Boo
Doctor: Yes, yes, yes. Now breathe in (Harry inhales) and breathe out -
Seagoon: Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo
Doctor: Must you? Now breathe in again
Seagoon: Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo
Doctor: Please, I must ask you to reeeea - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo
Seagoon: Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Yakka-Boo
Nurse: Now what is it, I - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo
Omnes: "Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo"...
Moriarty: ...And that is my tale Seagoon. In six weeks Britain could be destroyed by Lurgi and that includes you!
Grams: Whoosh, Followed By Closing Dustbin Lid
Moriarty: Come out of that dustbin, Seagoon!
Seagoon: (from within the bin) I'm watching television!
Moriarty: Come out!
Fx: Dustbin Lid Being Lifted Noisily
Seagoon: Oh please, please, I...I don't know anything about Lurgi
Moriarty: Supristi! I will tell you all about Lurgi
Seagoon: Then you cure it
Moriarty: I am not a doctor. No. You must be the one. You, you and you alone, will go down in history. Think: Louis Pasteur, Madame Curie, Sir Robert Fleming and now you!
Seagoon: I agree. But what's Lurgi got to do with me and Pasteur and the other painters?
Moriarty: Sacre-Fred. Here, read this article.
Fx: Paper Being Rustled
Seagoon: "Will any doctor with knowledge of Lurgi please communicate with Dr. Hercules Grytpype-Thynne"!
Moriarty: Well? What are you waiting for? With his help you will be the man to save the nation from the dreaded Lurgi.
Seagoon: Yes, but I...
Moriarty: A Knighthood, position, riches - Money!
Grams: Whoosh And Door Closes
Fx: Pick Up Phone, Dials
Moriarty: (singing) Niem solibadee en Paris! (speaking) Hello? Ah, Dr, Grytpype-Thynne? Ah, listen, Grytpype. Moriarty here. Yes. He's just left, he's on his way to you now. Yes. (laughs) Yes. Until he arrives here's Max Geldray

Max Geldray and Orchestra - "Pink Champagne"

Orchestra: Harp Music Creating Mystic Effect
Fx: Knocking On Door
Grytpype: Come in!
Fx: Door Opened
Seagoon: Dr. Grytpype-Thynne?
Grytpype: The same
Seagoon: My name is Ned Seagoon
Grams: Falling Bomb Followed By Explosion
Grytpype: Upsa-daisy! Now, what can I do for you?
Seagoon: I've come to help fight Lurgi. First Louis Pasteur, Madame Curie, Phillip Harbin and now me!
Grytpype: You silly twisted boy, you. What are your qualifications?
Seagoon: I was struck off the Rolls twice
Grytpype: You can only be struck off the Rolls once
Seagoon: That'll give you some idea of my importance.
Grytpype: Then you're our man. The situation is extremely grave. In the last 12 hours 2,000 more victims have been smitten by Lurgi.
Seagoon: (gulps) We must move fast
Grytpype: What do you suggest?
Seagoon: South America?
Grytpype: No, no, no. You are the one man who can save Britain
Seagoon: Yes. First Lewis Carroll, Madame Tussaud, Sir Robert Boothby and now me!
Grytpype: Now, Seagoon, let me tell you a tale. I've arranged for you to meet the Medical Council. Once there -
Seagoon: Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes?
Grytpype: Please don't do that
Seagoon: Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po
Grytpype: Good. I'll tell you a tale. At the moment Lurgi is confined to Oldham. Now here's what you must tell the Medical Council: All the Lurgi victims must be sent to Blackpool
Seagoon: One moment, Dr. Grytpype. If you know the cure for Lurgi why don't you have the Knighthood and the riches?
Grytpype: I can't. You see, I'm married
Seagoon: Oh, I'm, I'm terribly sorry
Grytpype: Well Seagoon Lad. It must be you.
Seagoon: Yes I suppose it must.
Grytpype: Mmm
Seagoon: First Joe Louis then Call Me Madam, Mooney and King and now me
Grytpype: Hmmmm, I wonder what's gone wrong?
Moriarty: Come Seagoon, off to the Councile Medicale
Orchestra: Link Music
Omnes: talking among themselves
Lew Cash: Ladies and Gentlemen! Ladies and Gentlemen of the British Medical Council! Now then, I've got you out of bed because I want you to hear about this Lurgi lark, what their all doing their nut about in Lancashire. Here's the speaker, Dr, err...
Seagoon: Seagoon. Ned Seagoon.
Grams: Falling Bomb Followed By Explosion
Lew Cash: My life, he's always doing that! Carry on, nut
Seagoon: Ladies and Gentlemen, before I start are there any further questions?
Minnie Bannister: What is Lurgi?
Fx: Thumps Of Something Solid Being Hit Against Wood (Minnie Screams) Followed By Shutting Door
Seagoon: Any more questions? Now my plan is to set up Yakka-Bool Centres in Blackpool.
Minnie Bannister: I'm asking a civilian question. What is Lurgi?
Henry Crun: That's another thing I want to know! What is Lurgi?
Minnie Bannister: What is Lurgi?
Henry Crun: Shut up
Minnie Bannister: Shut up
Henry Crun: Shut up
Minnie Bannister: You shut up!
Henry Crun: What is lurji?
Minnie Bannister: I've just asked that question, buddy.
Henry Crun: Why didn't you say so?
Minnie Bannister: I did say so
Henry Crun: If you've already asked there's no point in me asking
Minnie Bannister: Well anyway, what is Lurgi?
Henry Crun: One question at a time.
Minnie Bannister: It was only one question Henry
Henry Crun: But I've already asked that question
Minnie Bannister: Thank you. Thank you Dr Crun, thank you. Goodnight Dr Bannister.
Seagoon: Dr Bannister? Gad, he looks different in his singlet.
Henry Crun: Well, gentlemen, I beg of you, before it's too late I select the Lurgi victims at Yakka-Bool Centres in Blackpool
Minnie Bannister: Wait. Where are we going to get all the money from for this business, buddy?
Fx: Telephone Rings, Picked Up
Seagoon: Hello?
Grytpype: (on other end) You have arranged a charity concert at the Albert Hall in aid of the Lurgi Distress Fund
Seagoon: Yes, yes that's it. I have arranged for a charity concert at the Albert hall in aid of the Lurgi Distress Fund
Minnie Bannister: Bravo! Bravo!
Greenslade: Part Two. A Charity Concert at the Albert Hall in aid of the Lurgi Distress Fund. The Overture by the Ray Ellington Quartet

Ray Ellington and his Quartet - "My Very Good Friend The Milkman Says"

Seagoon: Thank you Sir Malcolm Sargent, thank you.
Seagoon: And next in this concert we have imported by permission of Count Moriarty and Dr Grytpype-Thynne a great continental tenor Jovani Sulphoney
Grams: Enthusiastic Applause, Cheers, Whistles
Sulphoney: Gracias, gracias. For my first number I would like to sing that lovely melody that we all love so well "I Travel The Road"
Orchestra: Grand And Lengthy Introduction
Sulphoney: I gypsy am I, go wandering by, I travel the road, all day
Moriarty: (over music) I'll give him the signal now
Sulphoney: I travel the road, - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo
Seagoon: Moriarty, Moriarty, the singer! He's got the Lurgi! Help! Run for your lives! Lurgiiiii!
Orchestra: Dramatic Link, Followed By Harps Again
Fx: Tapping On Metallic Dustbin
Grytpype: For the last time, come out of that dustbin
Seagoon: (inside bin) Leave me alone, I don't want to touch Lurgi
Grytpype: There is nothing to fear. Neddy, I'll tell you the cure
Fx: Dustbin Lid Being Opened
Seagoon: The cure? Ah-ha. That's it, the cure! The cure, what's the cure?
Grytpype: Now sit down Neddy and let me tell you a tale. I've arranged for you to force your way into the Houses of Parliament. Once there you must impress upon them the disastrous cuinsequonces of this dreaded Lurgi.
Seagoon: But, but, what's the cure?
Grytpype: The, err, cure, is rather unorthodox, but here it is, you will tell them...
Orchestra: Time passing type harp link
Greenslade: Meanwhile and unsuspecting Parliament is debating important affairs of state.
Cast: coughs
Politician: Err, who's responsible for the drains at Hackney? And, may I ask why they have not been taken up in the last century?
Cast: Here, here
Politician: They are, they were, taken up last December
Politician: Oh!
Politician: Ah!
Seagoon: here, here.
Politician: Isn't it time, they were taken up, again?
Seagoon: Well done!
Politician: Impossible! They've not been put back again yet
Greenslade: (above arguments) The fierce debate was at its height when past the speakers chair crept a dustbin, and with dramatic suddenness the lid was flung off!
Fx: Dustbin Lid Being Thrown Off Dramatically
Seagoon: Honourable members! I have some important news concerning Lurgi. Lurgi threatens us all!
Politician: What is...
Politician: Rubbish, get out, he's a Liberal
Politician: ...all...
Politician: He's a Liberal!
Politician: Speak up
Seagoon: First of all, I must ask you all to lie on the floor
Clement Attlee: Rubbish. I've never heard of such twaddle. Who are you sir?
Seagoon: My name is Ned Seagoon
Fx: Seagoon's falling bomb
Clement Attlee: Is it all right to get up now?
Seagoon: You may rise sir
Clement Attlee: Aaaargh
Seagoon: Now, Lurgi threatens us all
Minnie Bannister: What is Lurgi?
Seagoon: Lurgi is the most dreadful malady known to mankind
Minnie Bannister: Oooooh!
Seagoon: In six weeks it could swamp the whole of the British Isles
Cast: Rubbish!
Seagoon: Now Gentlemen, Gentlemen, Oldham is already affected.
Politician: What?
Seagoon: At this very moment more and more people are contracting Lurgi
Cast: shouts of shock,
Politician: A terrible state of affairs!
Politician: Is there any known cure for Lurgi?
Seagoon: That there is! Let me tell you a tale. By continuous research I discovered that all victims have one thing in common.
Cast: What is it?
Politician: Out with it man?
Seagoon: None of them play in a brass band
Cast: Good Heavens Incredible. Amazing
Clement Attlee: One moment, sir. Are you inferring that by playing a musical instrument one is immune for Lurgi?
Seagoon: Yes
Clement Attlee: Hmmm. Anthony Give me an "A", would you?
Orchestra: Each instrument playing different notes, followed by dramatic link ended with harps
Greenslade: Following the massive disclosure in Parliament, Dr. Ned Seagoon had been put in full charge of the Anti-Lurgi Campaign
Moriarty: ...You will need to order 4 million E Flat trombones
Seagoon: That's going to cost something isn't it?
Moriarty: Cost! Cost! Lives are at stake, man!
Seagoon: Yes
Grytpype: If you can save Britain from Lurgi the government won't mind the expenditure
Seagoon: Your right. First Louis Posture, Madame Pompadour, Sinzeer and Gladys...
Grytpype: Yes, yes. We've heard all that. And now you
Seagoon: Yes, Ha-Ha.
Grytpype: 3 million Euphoniums, 4 million Sousaphones. Well, here's the list, sign here, lad
Moriarty: And send it to Messrs Goosey and Bawkes, the well known instrument makers.
Greenslade: Dear listeners, sit down while I tell you a tale. Within three weeks Messrs Goosey and Bawkes had received 50 million pounds in brass band orders. They delivered them in some 30 million musical instruments to Airwick Gatport, the great airport at Gatwick.
Grams: huge plane motor running
Seagoon: (over noise) What a sight! A thousand planes packed to the bilges with the life saving instruments. Well done, Goosey and Bawkes. Now, where is that Major Bloodnok? It's almost zero hour! Any of you pilots seen Major Bloodnok?
Bluebottle: I heard you call me, my Cap-i-tain. I heard you call me. Enter Bluebottle, pauses for audience applause, not a sausage. Wey! Better Second House.
Seagoon: Stand away little stringy pants, this is man's work
Bluebottle: But I have done all my homework, and I washed my knees - Look! Points to white spot on leg, doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot
Seagoon: Stop that dooting, man!
Bluebottle: Hee-Hee.
Seagoon: Where's Major Bloodnok?
Bluebottle: I can play that part better than he can, him can. I'm in the school play at Christmas. Puts on white beard, hole!
Seagoon: Wait a moment, there is a part for you
Bluebottle: I knew you would not play this game without little Bluebottle. What do I say, Captain?
Seagoon: Read this, but don't read it until I tell you
Bluebottle: My little Captain is going a long way off to see if I can shout to him. Turns away from windows so I will not shatter them.
Seagoon: (in distance) Right-O! Read it out now!
Bluebottle: I heard you! (clears throat) Reads part: "My name is Ned Seagoon"
Grams: Falling Bomb Followed By Explosion
Bluebottle: You rotten swine, you. You have deaded me before we even started the game. And you have singed my Edward Perdom Egyptian type-shirt. Oiiy! Moves off for new supply of crepe-air.
Bloodnok: Oh thud me cronker stops and duffel me latches. A civilian on army property? Who are you, sir?
Seagoon: I'd rather not say, sir, you see I...
Bloodnok: Come on out with it! I'm broad-minded! wait a minute your not Ned...
Seagoon: Shhhhh, please
Bloodnok: Strange sounding name.
Seagoon: Major Bloodnok...
Bloodnok: That's more like a name! Pleased to meet you Major Bloodnok
Seagoon: I'm not Major Bloodnok, that's your name.
Bloodnok: Of course it is, yes ahhhhhh
Seagoon: Major Bloodnok
Bloodnok: Err, Major Bloodnok
Seagoon: Yes
Bloodnok: Yes
Seagoon: You will be parachuted into Blackpool with your men, the object being to instruct the Lurgi victims in the use of these new instruments
Bloodnok: Well, we're all ready to depart now. Band, by the left, into the plane, quick march, chocks away, good luck!
Grams: Doors Shut And Planes Take Off
Seagoon: What a sight! A thousand planes taking off for Blackpool, soon it will all be over, Lurgi conquered by me!
Orchestra: dramatic link ended in harps
Greenslade: And now here's the news. Today in Parliament questions were asked regarding the dropping of some 50 million brass band instruments on Blackpool late last night. There appears to be no valid reason why this strange operation was carried out. It is known to have cost the treasury well over 25 million pounds. As a result income tax will now be three guineas in the pound. New Scotland Yard are trying to trace a short fat man who started a rumour about a non-existent disease called Lurgi. He is reported to have last been seen...
Grytpype: Switch it off.
Moriarty: Yes, we've heard enough of that now. Let me see now, that's £15,000 for you, 15 million for me, 6 million for me and then for the...
Fx: Door opened abruptly
Seagoon: Ah! There you are!
Grytpype: It's Little Neddy.
Seagoon: Have you heard the news? They say that there's no such disease as Lurgi
Grytpype: No such disease as Lurgi? And you went to the Houses of Parliament and told them there was!? Oh dear!
Seagoon: Eh? You told me to tell them! I mean...
Grytpype: (Moriarty counting money behind) Tooth brush, change of underwear, yes, got the plane tickets?
Seagoon: Wait, wait! There is such a thing as Lurgi, isn't there? (laughs nervously) You told me there was! I mean...
Taxi Driver: Oh pardon me, the car's waiting for Mr. Goosey and Mr. Bawkes to take them to the airport
Seagoon: Wait! Your the singer from the Albert Hall! You've got Lurgi! Run for your life! Lurgi! wait a minute, Mr. Goosey and Mr. Bawkes?
Grytpype: Yes, that's our business name. We make brass band instruments, you know.
Seagoon: You must have made a fortune!
Grytpype: Let me tell you a tale. First Charley Peace, Dr. Crippin, and now Muggins. Good-bye.
Fx: Door Shuts
Seagoon: Muggins? Who's Muggins? (sobs) Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo
Orchestra: Theme Tune
Greenslade: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan. With the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton. Ooooooooh Yakka-Boo
Orchestra: Finish Theme Tune

Transcription and HTML by Kurt Adkins: [email protected]