The Whistling Spy Enigma
by Spike Milligan
Series 5, Episode 1, Broadcast 28th September 1954
Greenslade: This is the BBC Home Service
Grams: Boos, Whistles
Seagoon: Stop! [stops immediately] My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, back from the dead, we present half an hour of continuous radio fighting, in both corners - The Goons!
Orchestra: Circus ring music
Grams: Boos. Whistles
Seagoon: Stop! [stops immediately] Mr. Greenslade?
Fx: Chains being dragged along the floor
Greenslade: [weak voice] Yes, Master?
Seagoon: Tell the masses, Mr. Greenslade, what we have in store
Greenslade: Yes, master. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Goons and myself after successful season of unemployment, return to the air for a long series of 1
Greenslade: They commence with a mystery play, packed from end to end with mediocrity, under the title of...
Throat: The Whistling Spy Enigma
Orchestra: Dramatic chord
Hern: [American] The crimes you are about to hear have all been specially committed for this programme. Here to tell you a story with the aid of smoke-glass ear-trumpet and reconditioned head is Captain Hairy Seagoon
Grams: Frantic audience applause and cheers
Seagoon: Stop! [stops immediately] I remember when it all started. At the time I was asleep in my electrified elephant hammock, when through the pigeon hole flew a carrier pigeon. There was something strapped to its leg - it was a postman.
Postman: A letter for youuuuuuu
Seagoon: Thank you
Seagoon: Hurriedly I tore open the letter. Inside was an envelope, with a message that said...
Letter: [high voice] Report at once to MI5
Seagoon: The letter was written in a disguised voice. Hurriedly strapping on a fresh pigeon I flew out of the window
Grams: Bird wings flapping
Orchestra: Harp plays mystic effect
Fx: Four rapid knocks on the door
Grytpype: Come in
Fx: Door handle turned
Seagoon: Captain Hairy Seagoon reporting for duty as instructed, sir. I'm ready to die for the flag, bleed for my country, suffer great sufferings, [dramatically] and all for England.
Grytpype: You silly twisted boy, you. Pull up a chair.
Seagoon: Thank you. [Aside] So this was the fabulous Lance-Brigadier Hercules Grytpype-Thynne. I drew up a chair and placed it at the table next to him. Gad, how cunningly he was disguised! Stark naked, save for a souwester, string lorgnettes and a pair of identical plimsolls.
Grytpype: Now, Captain Seagoon
Seagoon: Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes?
Grytpype: Please don't do that. Captain, you have been specially selected for a specially dangerous mission
Seagoon: Does this mean I've been specially selected for a specially dangerous mission?
Grytpype: So you guessed, eh? Seagoon, you are to make your way to Hungary via Budapest
Seagoon: Will I have to go abroad?
Grytpype: If all else fails, yes. It's dangerous work
Seagoon: I suppose I'll have to take risks?
Grytpype: Oh yes, and a small pot of tea
Seagoon: What does this mean?
Grytpype: It means you've been chosen to go abroad with a packet of Risks and a small pot of tea
Seagoon: For what reason?
Grytpype: Reason? Does there have to be a reason?
Grytpype: Very well, if that's the way you feel about it, I'll tell you. Pull up a chair
Seagoon: Thank you
Grytpype: During the last 18 months you may have noticed that throughout the civilised world, in America, British prestige has fallen very low. Yes?
Grytpype: And do you know why?
Seagoon: Yes. I don't know why
Grytpype: I'll tell you. Pull up a chair
Seagoon: Thank you
Grytpype: One thing killed Britain, and that was our defeat by the Hungarian football team
Grytpype: I fear those Magyars did for us, lad. Before they play us again we must make absolutely sure they don't win
Seagoon: Does this mean sabotage?
Grytpype: You may well ask that
Seagoon: I did ask it, Will
Grytpype: I suppose you did. Pull up a chair
Seagoon: Thank you
Grytpype: This is Operation Explodable Boot. You will make your way to Budapest. Once there you will contact our British agent X
Seagoon: X? How do you spell it?
Seagoon: Thank you. How do I contact him?
Grytpype: By whistling a highly skilled mysterious secret tune. The moment he hears it he'll hand you a sealed envelope, heavily sealed.
Seagoon: But the secret tune?
Grytpype: It goes like this: [whistles the Hungarian Rhapsody]
Seagoon: Wait! That's the Hungarian Rhapsody. What's secret about that?
Grytpype: Fool! Didn't you notice? I was whistling it in English
Seagoon: I know, but there are thousands of Hungarians who can whistle in English fluently
Grytpype: How dare they!
Seagoon: In any case, I can't whistle
Grytpype: Curses. We shall have to think about this. Pull up a chair
Seagoon: Thank you
Greenslade: Ladies and Gentlemen, while Captain Seagoon and the Brigadier are thinking, we, the BBC, would like to entertain you with a smile and a song from that well-known tenor Webster Smogpule
Snogpule: Thank you, Ricky Fulton. [Clears his throat] I should like to commence my programme with a song that is rapidly climbing to the top of the Horseguards parade. That lovely melody that I have just recorded from my latest film, which is now showing north of the river, and is called 'I shine for you alone' by Bootblack. Cyril, can I have my music please?
Orchestra: LONG DRAWN OUT GRAND OPENING
Snogpule: I shineeeeeeee...
Grytpype: I've got it, Seagoon, I've got it
Fx: Telephone rings and door opens
Odium: [Speaks incoherently, ends in 'Sir?']
Grytpype: Send in our highly skilled mysterious whistling espionage agent
Odium: [speaks incoherently again]
Grytpype: Oh thank you
Fx: DOOR SHUTS
Seagoon: You mean you'll send a man with me that can do all my highly skilled mysterious secret whistling?
Fx: DOOR OPENS
Grytpype: Ah, Seagoon, this is him, the man who can remember a tune no matter how complicated
Seagoon: How do you do?
Eccles: I'm fine, fine. Yup, I'm fine, fine. Yup, and you?
Seagoon: I'm very well thank you [laughs uncomfortably]
Eccles: Uh hum. Uh hum. Yup, yup. Fine. Yup. How's your old dad?
Seagoon: My old dad?
Eccles: Yup. How's your old dad?
Seagoon: My old dad's very well, to be sure [laughs uncomfortably]
Eccles: Good. Good, good, good, good. My old dad's okay too, you know? Yup, yup. My old dad's fine, he's fine. Yup, he's okay. My old dad's okay
Seagoon: Yes, yes. I'm sure he is [clears his throat]
Eccles: Yup. Your old dad's okay, and my old dad's okay. They're both okay. Both our old dads are okay. They're both okay. Aren't they?
Seagoon: Yes. Brigadier, this man doesn't look very intelligent
Eccles: I heard that, I heard that. Let me tell you, it aint looks that count, it's what you got up here that matters?
Seagoon: And what have you got up there?
Eccles: Nothing. [laughs at his own joke] How's your old dad?
Seagoon: I don't see what my dad's health has got to do with you [Eccles and Neddy argue as they walk away from the microphone]
Grytpype: Max Geldray? Pull up a chair
Max Geldray and Orchestra - 'When you're smiling'
Neddy and Eccles: [still arguing]
Grytpype: Gentlemen, please. Please. I've just been on the phonograph to HQ. You are to collect a new highly skilled mysterious whistling tune direct from our own highly skilled mysterious piano composer. Eccles knows him well
Seagoon: How far is it?
Eccles: Oooh, 63 miles
Seagoon: Let's go
Grams: TWO WHOOSHES
Eccles: [panting] This is the house. I shall now give the secret knock, that only he and I know
Fx: Three knocks on wood, Repeated on other side of door
Eccles: That's him
Fx: TWO KNOCKS, REPEATED ON OTHER SIDE, THREE KNOCKS, REPEATED ON OTHER SIDE, ONE KNOCK, REPEATED ON OTHER SIDE, FOUR KNOCKS, REPEATED ON OTHER SIDE, FIVE KNOCKS, REPEATED ON OTHER SIDE, KNOCKS DA-DA-DADA-DA, DA-DA REPLY ON OTHER SIDE
Crun: Who is it, ey? Who is it?
Seagoon: Open this door at once or we break it down, so Heaven help me as I live and breathe
Crun: How ever did you get a name like that?
Seagoon: I have influence
Eccles: Open up, Mr. Crun, it's me, Eccles
Crun: Oh Eccles, it's me, Mr. Crun
Eccles: Oh Mr. Crun, it's me, Eccles
Crun: Oh, Mr. Eccles
Crun: Well well well
Seagoon: You idiots!
Eccles: We're idiots, yeah
Seagoon: Mr, Crun, sir, open this door at once
Crun: I can't, it's locked, and the key's lost
Seagoon: Curse, the door's locked
Crun: Try the window that's open
Fx: Tries to open a locked wooden window frame
Seagoon: Oh curse! The window's locked as well
Crun: It's open
Seagoon: It's locked. Come out and see for yourself
Grytpype: I will
Fx: Door opened and shut
Grytpype: Now, let me try it
Fx: Tries to open a locked wooden window frame
Grytpype: [struggles] You're right, you know, the window is locked. What a state of affairs, the window and the door
Eccles: Oh, I'll go inside and open it
Fx: Door opened and shut
Eccles: [from inside] Hello, Mr. Crun? It's no good, the window's locked from the inside as well
Seagoon: There's a fine how do you do!
Seagoon: Are you sure you can't find the key to the door?
Crun: My dear military gentleman, come inside and look for yourself
Seagoon: Right. Lead on
Fx: Door opened and shut
Crun: Now, it used to hang on the nail behind this door
Seagoon: Well, it's certainly not there. Looks as if we're locked out
Fx: Three knocks on door
Crun: Who's there?
Eccles: It's me, Eccles. I got the window open! If you come out you can crawl in through it
Crun: We can't come out, the door's locked and we've lost the key
Eccles: Oooh, can I come in and help look for it?
Fx: Door opened
Crun: Of course, come in
Fx: Door shut
Eccles: Thank you.
Crun: Now let me see. Aughhh! Eureka! Symphavidalis! I found it! It was in my pocket all the time
Seagoon: Good show.
Fx: Key being turned in lock
Crun: Now, I'll just unlock the door and let them in
Fx: Door opened
Crun: Good heavens! All that trouble for nothing!
Crun: There's nobody out here
Seagoon: The fools must have got impatient and run away
Crun: Well, never mind about them, what about you? You've come for the new highly skilled mysterious whistling tune, haven't you?
Seagoon: Exactly. You must teach it to Eccles
Crun: Good, good. Now Eccles, have you ever heard this tune before?
Crun: What do you men 'no', I haven't sung it yet?!
Eccles: Oooh, so that's why I haven't heard it [laughs]
Crun: Now listen
Crun: [whistles the secret tune]
Crun: Got that Eccles?
Eccles: How did that go again?
Crun: repeats same secret tune
Crun: Did you see where they went?
Crun: My teeth!
Grams: Siren, then bagpipes, then explosion, then clucking chicken
Crun: Answer that phone!
Seagoon: Hello? Yes, right. Crun, we've got to find Hungary at once
Crun: But I haven't taught Eccles the tune!
Seagoon: You'll have to come with us
Crun: Ummm, [shouting] Minnie!
Minnie Bannister: [at a distance] unintelligible mm's
Minnie Bannister: What is it Henry?
Crun: I'm going to Hungary, Minnie
Minnie Bannister: I'll leave your dinner in the oven
Seagoon: Come, men, to horse, giddup
Fx: Horse hooves running [Crun crying, Neddy shouting as they go]
Grytpype: Captain, Captain Seagoon!
Seagoon: What? What, what what?
Grytpype: Tell me, is it very far to Hungary?
Grytpype: Then why do we keep galloping round and round this blasted room?
Seagoon: I'm waiting for someone to open the door
Neddy and Crun: Open the door!
Ray Ellington and his Quartet - 'ABC's with rhythm and ease'
Orchestra: Dick Barton suspense theme tune
BBC Annoucer: [dramatically] The Whistling Spy Enigma, part Two. Seagoon and party are on their way to Hungary to contact the British agent there by whistling the highly mysterious secret tune [whistles rapidly]. Once there they are to sabotage the Hungarian football team. Seagoon's first contact was to be the British Ambassador
Orchestra: Bloodnok theme tune
Bloodnok: Arrr, ooh, thud me fneficks and fetch my fungs, and other time filling in phrases
Seagoon: Major Dennis Bloodnok?
Bloodnok: The same. Who are you sir? [Secret whistle whistled]. Very interesting, but who the blazes are you?
Seagoon: My card
Bloodnok: It's blank
Seagoon: I know, I'm keeping my identity a secret. But I'll tell you my name
Bloodnok: Glad to hear it Captain Seagoon, pull up a chair
Seagoon: Thank you. Yes, it's been quite a journey. It's no fun hiding under a third class railway seat
Bloodnok: You've been hiding under a - The disgrace! You know very well we British only hide under first class seats
Seagoon: Yes, but I was trying to save money
Bloodnok: I understand. Pull up a chair
Seagoon: Thank you. Major...
Seagoon: ...I have been shadowed here by the Hungarian highly skilled mysterious secret anti-whistling police
Seagoon: Yes, I'd like to spend the week here if possible. What do you say?
Bloodnok: Twelve and six a day, food extra
Seagoon: Your charging me, an Englishman, to stay at the British Embassy?
Bloodnok: It's the holiday season. They charge twice as much at Blackpool
Seagoon: I'm not here on holiday, I'm here on a dangerous mission
Bloodnok: You mean you might get killed?
Bloodnok: Oh well, that's different. Well, under the circumstances, I must ask for the rent in advance
Seagoon: I've never been so insulted in all my life!
Bloodnok: Come now, with a face like that? You must have been!
Seagoon: By St. George, you drive me hard, sir, I'll knock you down, I'll... shhhh!
Fx: Footsteps coming up stairs
Seagoon: Can you hear those highly skilled mysterious footsteps coming up the highly skilled mysterious stairs?
Seagoon: Neither can I
Bloodnok: Well we'd better start hearing them soon or it'll be too late
Seagoon: Your absolutely right. It must be a highly skilled mysterious enemy!
Bloodnok: Of course. The moment he enters the room strike him down with something
Seagoon: Right. Hand me that piano
Bloodnok: That's no good, it's out of tune
Seagoon: Curse, never mind. Hand me that 600 foot factory chimney in the corner
Bloodnok: No, no, not that, it's my last one! Don't touch! [hear secret whistling tune]
Seagoon: Shh, shh. The highly skilled whistling tune. It must be the noble Eccles
Fx: Door opened suddenly
Moriarty: Ah, Captain Seagoon. Hands up!
Moriarty: Who are you?
Bloodnok: Mother Brown
Moriarty: Knees up
Bloodnok: Graze me grundles, its Vion De La Prickon Moriarty ne Smith, head of that dreaded highly skilled mysterious anti-whistling Hungarian counter espionage agents
Moriarty: Well said
Bloodnok: Thank you
Moriarty: Now, what is the highly skilled mysterious whistling tune? I must know!
Seagoon: I won't tell
Moriarty: Ahhh, I warn you! I will count up to a highly skilled 40,000 and then I'll shoot
Moriarty: Yes, I've to go home for my gun
Seagoon: [aside] When I saw that he was a dwarf I was all for attacking him straight away, but Bloodnok stopped me
Bloodnok: No, wait 'til he gets older
Seagoon: Finally, on his ninety-third birthday, we sprang
Grams: Struggle, Cast shouts as well
Seagoon: Stop! [stops immediately, Neddy pants] Right, let's go
Grams: Struggle resumes
Webster Snogpule: [over struggle] Ladies and gentlemen, while Major Bloodnok and Captain Seagoon are so valiantly fighting for their country, I would like to sing that beautiful song, 'I Shine For You Alone', can I have my music please?
Orchestra: Long drawn out grand opening
Webster Snogpule: I shineeee for you aloneeee, And my arms
Webster Snogpule: Ahhh!
Seagoon: [still over struggle] Finally we battled with Moriarty, but in the darkness we grappled for 3 hours, oooh
Fx: Telephone rings, and is picked up
Seagoon: Stop! [struggle stops immediately] Hello?
Moriarty: [on other end] Seagoon?
Moriarty: Moriarty. I just thought I'd tell you I've been home for the last two hours [phone put down].
Seagoon: What? Then who's this we've been battering on the bonce?
Eccles: I've been wondering when you were going to ask that
Seagoon: Eccles, my poor, poor Eccles
Eccles: How do you recognise me?
Seagoon: Who else wears a reconditioned head?
Eccles: I've been looking everywhere for you. For the last ten days I've been up the main street whistling the secret tune
Seagoon: Any contacts?
Eccles: Yeah, two ladies took me home [laughs]
Seagoon: Time's running out, I wonder who the secret highly skilled mysterious British agent is. Try whistling it once more.
Eccles: Okay. [whistle secret tune]
Seagoon: Shh. Shh What luck! There's someone answering the call.
Lew: [heavy Jewish accent] You the one who's been doing all the whistling?
Lew: For Lord's sake turn it up, we're trying to get some kip upstairs
Seagoon: Curse! Where the devil can the the highly skilled British agent be? [silence] Where can the mysterious British agent be? [coughs, then shouts] Where can the mysterious deaf British agent...
Bluebottle: I heard you call, my highly skilled mysterious cap-i-tain. Sorry I didn't hear you first time, but my Dan Dare super cut-out cardboard radio receiver failed at a crucial moment. Moves upstage, strikes heroic pose, unstrikes it when trousers fall down. Hee-Hee. Your turn
Seagoon: Tell me, who are you, you dirty-nosed Goon?
Eccles: Well I'm Eccles, I told you that...
Seagoon: Not you! You!
Bluebottle: I am secret agent Bluebottle. Strikes mystery pose in army surplus night-shirt covered in egg stains. See, I will now show my nordic features. Whips off false beard, false ear 'oles and dirty big cardboard nose. Ole!
Seagoon: But you look exactly the same without them!
Bluebottle: I know, I was disguised as myself. Hee-Hee. I have made a little jokules. Hee-Hee. Waits for audience applause, not a sausinge.
Seagoon: Tell me, little stringy chinless agent, what are the secret orders?
Bluebottle: You are to follow me to the football stadium. There we are to insert the dreaded dynamite into the football boots of every Hunjarian player. And, when they kick the ball, aieeee-hey-hey
Seagoon: Aieeee-hey-hey. So that's the plan. Right, lead on.
Omnes: [singing] Give me some men, some stout hearted men, who will fight
Fx: Door opened violently
Seagoon: In here, lads. This is their changing room. Now, those must be their boots. Now, insert the dynamite in the toecaps
Bluebottle: Right, here Eccles. Hold these three red sticks of dynamite
Eccles: Wait a moment, one of them is a stick of Blackpool Rock
Bluebottle: Oooh! Are you sure, Eccles?
Eccles: Of course I'm sure. Just a minute. [tastes it, swallows]
Eccles: Of course I could be wrong, ho ho!
Bluebottle: Hee-Hee. look at Old Eccles. He has blown all his toothy pegs out of his mouth. Hee-Hee. What a funny! Hee-Hee -
Bluebottle: You rotten swine, you, Eccles. You rotten swine, you! While I was laughing you dropped a stick of dynamite down my trousers! Oh, I'm expos-ed. Expos-ed to the elements. Aiiigh! Moves left, places scout hat over shattered area, continues with the play.
Seagoon: Are you both all right?
Seagoon: Curse! Ah, never mind. I've fixed their boots. Now, back to the Embassy
Grams: Two whooshes
Fx: Door being shut
Seagoon: Ah, Bloodnok. Switch on the radio, quick.
Bloodnok: Right, the match has just started
Eccles: Goodie goodie goodie
Grams: Football crowd atmosphere
Sports Commentator: And the teams are just coming on to the field now, Hungary versus England.
Seagoon: Ha-Ha. This is the end of the Hungarians, lads!
Sports Commentator: The match was nearly called off because the British team forgot their football boots, but the Hungarians sportingly gave them theirs.
Seagoon and Eccles: No, No! Stop the match! Stop! No!
Orchestra: Start theme tune, but...
Bluebottle: Noooo! Stop it! Stop the tune! I say, is that the end of the game?
Seagoon: Yes, you little shattered unit
Bluebottle: Ooh, that was a rotten game! I don't like playing that game!
[Bluebottle, Neddy and Eccles argue]
Bluebottle: I'll get you for that at playtime Eccles!
Orchestra: Theme tune
Greenslade: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan. With the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Scott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton.
Original Transcription by Anon
Corrections, additions, and HTML by Kurt Adkins [firstname.lastname@example.org]