Call of the West

Sellers: F'tang?

Sellers: Findacoo!

Sellers: Foulzow!

Herns: Goon Law, or anything or Hern.

Hern: See, hear and smell hairless midget, Harry Seagoon as Double Captain Rapture. Hard riding, hard shooting, hard up cowboy.

Hern: This role calls for great audience imagination. See, feel and hit Spike Milligna as the dying actor.

Sellers: 'Sailors cries'

Bum: Hey bud, gotta nickel for a cup of coffee?

Bum: Oh, buddy.

Grytpype Thynne: Did you say covered wagon?

Grytpype Thynne: And here is a statue of the word Thank You

Grytpype Thynne: Fine, fine! Are you a millionaire?

Grytpype Thynne: Blast! Look sir, I too am heading west, with this retired wooden fissssh crate.

Grytpype Thynne: They are the teeth of a dear friend and confidante, the great French poet and lyric plumber, Count Jim 'Flies' <buzzing fly sounds> Moriarty.

Grytpype Thynne: Something to do with the devaluation of the Frank, I'm not sure. However, apart from which he is inventing something.

Grytpype Thynne: Listen, he's working on it, my dear sir. E'en now, he treads the keys of his Adolf saxophone. Could we hire, perchance a room on your covered wagon, so that the Count may continue undisturbed by disturb?

Grytpype Thynne: No bath? Just what the Count likes at the end of a long day.

Grytpype Thynne: In my trousers.

Grytpype Thynne: They're always howling..... no trees on the prairie.

Grytpype Thynne: Shhhhhh. Quiet in that crate.

Grytpype Thynne: Fool, that sort of thing is only for the rich.

Grytpype Thynne: I'll let you out when you've made enough saxophones to sell to the indians.

Grytpype Thynne: Have you? Well, come out. Now, which of all these fish-bones is you?

Grytpype Thynne: My goodness, the sea trip has done you a power of good. You'll soon be strong enough to lie down Count.

Colonel Slocombe: Whoa!

Colonel Slocombe: There's discipline for ya. [spits]

Colonel Slocombe: Lieutenant Hern-Hern?

Colonel Slocombe: Where's your horse?

Colonel Slocombe: Well, thats a good answer son. you must be mighty proud of it.

Colonel Slocombe: Its a well-worn Hern, yeah. Here's a dollar Hern.

Colonel Slocombe: Its pay as you hearn. [spits]

Colonel Slocombe: Sergeant F'doo? Where's the chuckwagon Hern:?

Colonel Slocombe: Well, if you say so. [spits]

Colonel Slocombe: I'm sorry, Sarge. Here, catch this lifebelt!

Colonel Slocombe:Let's hope we don't get the wind up.

Colonel Slocombe: Call 'em over, we could do with a loan Hern:, yeah!

Colonel Slocombe: I reckon there must be an easier way to make a living ya know! How Hern!

Colonel Slocombe: Yes, I thought that too.

Colonel Slocombe: Hey, he looks mighty tall in the saddle

Colonel Slocombe: Chief, we wanna do business. We're willing to knock all your teeth out for nothin', and give you genuine false ones in exchange for an old buffalo hide

Colonel Slocombe: Well, where's yours?

Colonel Slocombe: Where's your buffalo hide?

Colonel Slocombe: Watch out Sitting Bull, or I'll get you, sure as my name's Custer. [Spits]

Colonel Slocombe: Steady there son, steady. You and me get a hold of your coconut shells!

Colonel Slocombe: There must be a cooler route, son, I reckon!

Colonel Slocombe: My wife! Is she safe?

Colonel Slocombe: I never did like them indians.

Grytpype Thynne: Redmen, I come as a fellow equity member with all dues paid. In this fish crate are what Redmen need.

Grytpype Thynne:Later Chief, later! But plenty of it, later. First I knock on box, so [knocks]

Grytpype Thynne: Yes! We bring you saxophones!

Grytpype Thynne: Yes, he plays lovely, doesn't he. Could easily pass for music.

Colonel Slocombe: Gentlemen, someones supplying the indians with saxophones. [spits]

Colonel Slocombe: Bring that thing closer, will ya? You were saying Hern?

Colonel Slocombe: Where's they hiding?

Colonel Slocombe: Sargent, make a note of that, of the address will ya?

Colonel Slocombe: Don't bother how to spell it, just write it down

Colonel Slocombe: Now read it back to me

Colonel Slocombe: That sounds like the place to me. Alright men! Search America and look under the beds!

Grytpype Thynne: Don't panic, Count. Get into this woman's disguise kit, while Ray Ellington releases his power of song on an unsuspecting world.

Bloodnok: Ohhhh! Ohh, that's done me a power of good folks! And there's more where that came from! Citizens of Dodge City! Bloodnok's the name! Dr Denis Bloodnok, late of Harley St, Twickenham. Now then, I've cured the aristocrats of the plin, and the farmers. Let me read this testimonial, sir. Dear Sir. Since taking your course of Thunderpills, I feel like a new man. Signed, Mrs Ivy Chandler. Now then, who will be the first to try it, I say, who will be the first!

Bloodnok: You'll try some? A Hindu Raja, give him a big hand!

Bloodnok: Coolie? Give him a small hand would you?

Bloodnok: Now then, Mystic Son of the East, sip this small sulphur and licorice bomb

Bloodnok: Look! Ooo! Before my eyes, before my military eyes, the colour is coming back to his pallid loincloth!

Bloodnok: How do you feel, Prince of the East?

Bloodnok: Ill!? You ungrateful swine!

Bloodnok: Steady, yankee doodles, or I'll have the red-coats on you! I'm a personal friend of Billy Butlin you know!

Bloodnok: Careful there! ooo! Careful there!

Grytpype Thynne: I say, barman? Drinks, for my lady.

Grytpype Thynne: And see you put a good head on it!

Barman: Well, we don't keep any drink called Fish and Chips.

Grytpype Thynne: What! Come, Moriarty, we shall take our trade, and malnutrition elsewhere.

Grytpype Thynne: Moriarty, you hold the Piano, and I'll feel the table

Grytpype Thynne: Wig! How dare you sir? The unfortunate woman just happens to have gone bald suddenly. Its obviously a case of the new lightning French alopecia from the song of the same name.

Grytpype Thynne: [singing] First you get it on your nut.

Grytpype Thynne: On his nut!

Grytpype Thynne: What!

Grytpype Thynne: I protest!

Grytpype Thynne: Lord Nelson

Grytpype Thynne: I have - I used to have three

Colonel Slocombe: Well, alright, fellas, I pass

Bluebottle: Ohh, he's callin' us all fellas. I shall recipromedicate. I shall call him a fella. Helloo fella!

Bluebottle: Its the Call of the West partner! Chews plug of Hopalong Cassidy cardboard - string tobacco - licorice-type. Spit, spit, spitty. Ooohhoi. Its gone right down the front of my shirt.

Bluebottle: I am... I'm Marshal Matt Dillon, of 23 Flub Avenue, East Finchley, North 12.

Bluebottle: I came on the forty-nine bus from the High Street.

Bluebottle: No, it only took me as far as the Odeon, and I had to walk all the rest of the way myself.

Bluebottle: I beat you, Mad Dan - I got four fingers, two thumbs, and a toe!

Bluebottle: Do you think i'm a cheat?

Bluebottle: No man can call Bluebottle deformed, unless he's a specialist! Eccles, I'm runnin' you in.

Bluebottle: The murder of Julius Caesar

Bluebottle: No, I know dat, I know dat, that is why, errrr, we had to wait 'til you was born before we could arrest you

Bluebottle: Yes!

Bluebottle: And how are we gonna take you den?

Bluebottle: Go for your guns, Mad Dan. I'm warning you - see the panther-like movements of my mittened hands, as they curl towards the cardboard and string triggers of my shredded wheat cutout pistols...

Bluebottle: Oh, Mum!

Bluebottle: Oh mum, you spoiled my game! Bye bye, Eccles!

Grytpype Thynne: And so perish all enemies of the queen.

Grytpype Thynne: Run for it, Moriarty, they know us

Henry Crun: Oh, yes. They won't quell old Hen Crun by surprise. Min? Stand against that wall for a certain test.

Henry Crun: Did that hurt, Min?

Henry Crun: Good, then this is a gun for the redskins, but just in case I'll get a gun ready for the blueskins and the greenskins.

Henry Crun: They'll never attack a burnt dinner Min, I tell you!

Henry Crun: Oh, Uncle Oscar! What are you doing out of your grave?

Henry Crun: Oh, Uncle! At your age. You've been at the hormones again.

Henry Crun: There go his teeth, Min. That means more dinner for us.

Henry Crun: oooo

Henry Crun: Do you hear that Min?

Henry Crun: Pishtoo!

Henry Crun: Its the war-whoops of the Nakatacka Indians!

Henry Crun: Yes, Min.

Henry Crun: Stop it, Min, do you hear?

Henry Crun: You know that's for me to say!

Henry Crun: He remembers, Min. He's remembered in leather. Now, Uncle, get inside that coffin and defend it with your life! Min, get inside your best red flannel draws and defend them to the end. I shall just announce the next part of the program. Ladies and Gentlemen, I have pleasure in announcing a knock at the door.

Henry Crun: Blast, there's been a change in the program. Who is it?

Colonel Slocombe: And so folks, with rivers of blood being shed, arson, rape, murder everywhere, we say: Goodnight from Happydrome

Colonel Slocombe: Ooooo! They got me folks. Another unhappy ending, especially for me. [spits]

Colonel Slocombe: Ooh!